


Dr. Seuss Goes to Hogwarts

by Elfwreck



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: Crack, Filk, Humor, M/M, Perversion, Poetry, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-10-02
Updated: 2008-10-02
Packaged: 2017-10-02 01:30:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elfwreck/pseuds/Elfwreck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Snape is not interested in gay sex. Especially not with anyone underage. No matter how many nifty variations he's offered.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dr. Seuss Goes to Hogwarts

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written in 2006 for Snape's birthday on Jan 9.

That pervy chan!   
That pervy chan!   
I do not like that pervy chan!

Do you like sex with a man?  
I do not like that pervy chan.  
I do not like sex with a man.

Would you like it in a bed?  
I would not like in a bed.  
Not even if he gave me head.  
I do not like sex with a man.  
I am not gay! No pervy chan!

Would you like it after class?  
Get yourself some student ass?

I do not want it after class.  
I do not want some student ass.  
I do not want it in a bed.  
Not even if he gives me head.  
I do not like sex with a man.  
I am not gay! No pervy chan!

Would you do it for a potion?  
Just a handjob with some lotion?

Not with lotion.  
Not for a potion.  
Not after class.  
No student ass.  
I do not want it in a bed.  
Not even if he gives me head.  
I do not like sex with a man.  
I am not gay! No pervy chan!

Would you? Could you? with the twins?  
Fuck them! Suck them! See them grin!  
I would not, could not with the twins.  
You may like them. You may say.  
You may like some finger play.

I do not want some finger play.  
Not with the twins. Now go away!  
I would not do it for a potion.  
I will not give handjobs with lotion.  
I do not like it after class.  
I do not want some student ass.  
I do not want it in a bed,  
Not even if he gives me head.  
I do not like sex with a man.  
I am not gay! No pervy chan!

The floo! The floo!  
The floo! The floo!  
Could you, would you, in the floo?

Not in the floo! No finger play!  
Not with the twins! Now go away!  
I would not, could not, for a potion  
I would not, could not, with some lotion  
I will not do it after class.  
I will not chase some student ass.  
I will not do it in a bed  
Not even if he gives me head.  
I do not like sex with a man.  
I am not gay! No pervy chan!

Say! In a cell?  
Here in a cell?  
Would you, could you, in a cell?  
I would not, could not in a cell.

Would you, could you… Pettigrew?  
I would not, could not with Pettigrew.  
Not in a cell. Not in the Floo.  
Not with the twins. No finger play.  
I do not like gay sex, I say.

No student ass. Not for a potion.  
Not after class. Not with a lotion.  
I will not do it in a bed  
Not even if he gives me head.  
I do not like sex with a man.  
I am not gay! No pervy chan!

You do not like sex with a man?  
Not with adults, not pervy chan.

Would you, could you, with some rope?   
I would not, could not with some rope.

Would you, could you, without hope?  
I would not, could not, without hope.  
I will not, will not with some rope.  
I will not touch that Pettigrew.  
I will not do it in the Floo.  
Not in a cell! No finger play!  
Not with the twins! Now go away!  
I will not do it for a potion  
I do not like it with some lotion.  
I will not do it after class.  
I do not want some student ass.   
I do not like it in a bed.  
Not even if he gives me head.  
I do not like sex with a man.  
I AM NOT GAY. NO PERVY CHAN!

 

You do not like it. Harry's here...  
Try him! Try him! He is queer!  
Try him 'cos he's queer, my dear.

If you will go away, you dunce  
I will try it. Just this once.

[_insert sighs, rustle of clothing, squishy noises, moans,   
bites, grunts, a giggle followed by a slap, quickened breath,   
squeaky bedsprings, and at least one inarticulate scream._]

Say! I like sex with a man!  
I do! I like this pervy chan!

And I would do it without hope!  
And I would do it with some rope!  
And I will go fuck Pettigrew!  
Inside a cell! And in the Floo!

I'll show the twins some finger play!  
I'll wear them out! They'll run away!  
And I will do it for a potion.  
And I'll give handjobs with some lotion.

And I will do it after class,  
Get myself some student ass.  
And I will do it in a bed.  
And we'll just see who's giving head!  
I do _so like_ sex with a man!  
Send me all that pervy chan!


End file.
